I was sitting at work today with a couple of male colleagues. one of them M, has been married for about a year to an ex-colleague of ours. The other (W), starting to chit chat the time away
W: So, M, how are things...is H your wife a good cook? does she cook nice stuff for you?
M: Yeah she is great. She knows how to cook really well. some girls really have no idea how to fry an egg. But she is really good. her mother taught her well. even though she really does not like to cook, but she does it, because she knows it is her duty.
The only problem she faces is the time. She comes home from work really late and is always in a hurry to prepare the food quickly. and she is always stuck for time.
Now here my thought is: is this how men evaluate their wives? how well do they cook? anyway here is the rest of it:
W: oh yeah that problem. i guess she has to cook everything on the weekends, and heat up the stuff every day.
M: yeah, she does that, but she still is stuck for time heating it up.
Now I spoke up::
Hey M, don't you finish work here at 2? so you are home before she gets home for at least a couple of hours. why don't you start up some stuff? and help her out?
M: Nah, I do not like cooking and stuff
ME: yeah but you can help. ( I mean she does not like it either, but she does it. btw, did i mention she is 6 months pregnant?)
W: why don't you at least make some rice or spaghetti? it is really easy.
M: no... i do not like trying things like that out.
Me: (already impatient): hey you can help her heat up at least!! It is not fair. Her work load is much more than you this way. no matter how giving someone is, if they are being treated unfairly... they will feel bad. if she does not mind this, at least show her appreciation.
M: Flustered: yeah of course i do. you are absolutely right. of course i try to help as much as i can. and i appreciate her of course.
ME: that is good.
M: i am guessing you are not really into cooking and house work and stuff. you don't seem like the type to be a house wife.
Me: now why do you say that? I love to cook!
Now this has been said to me quite often. even though anyone who knows me well, knows that I actually enjoy cooking. and with people I love... I sacrafice alot my own rest to make them happy. to the extent that my sister occasionally worries that they would abuse it. ( actually some did). but I do it with love, if it makes my loved ones happy. As long as it is not taken for granted that is all.
Being able and willing to do or give more than your share can co-exist with knowing what you diserve, your rights and your duties. prevents future trouble, believe me.
posted by doshar
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Yes, any men who a reading this:
possession of XX chromosomes does not equal undying love for all household chores!
Likewise, having a Y chromosomes does not entail an inability to do the afformentioned tasks.
What century are we in again?
Safyia, you are absolutely right!
I hate cooking and I am not that good at it...I try it once or twice a week lately and most of the times it turns out bad! But K does the same, try to make some stuff, and we try to help eachother when the other one is cooking.
Unless people have a passion for it, no one loves house work, especially after a long day of work! But still, we all have to do it!
And Doshar, she is also pregnant? OMG, he is an ass, no offence! She could at least have a quiet week with him heating up what she cooks!
hi safiya, actually, i once used that exact same argument with someone. he was telling me that they can share, but if he they are equal, then she would be more disposed to cooking. and i asked: why? is it in her genes that she can and you can not?
anyway... that made him retreat. a fair argument is always a powerful one.
alina... actually what surprised me was that i have known the guy for years... and he actually is not an ass at all. he is actually one of the nice guys. i think the situation here, is that he is lazy... and she took it upon herself that it is her duty whatever what... and he is taking advantage of that and lying back.
actually alot of women behave this way... submissively agreeing and taking more than share of work... and feeling that they are content with this. i heard a woman once saying: it is normal that the woman is the one who has to tolerate more. and i was like why??/
i guess they think that if they cause no trouble or ask for their rights.. then they are good wives. don't know.
I think a lot of men in our culture perceive housework and cooking as the woman's duty, regardless of whether she works or not. They think that since it's her choice to work, then it's her problem how to balance between work and housework; why should they help!! I guess what needs to be done is first to change that perception. Cooking and housework should also be a choice, not a duty. Even if you are a housewife, with nothing else to do, then you should choose how to spend your time. But again, a good wife is expected to keep her house clean, her husband and kids well-fed, and also find time for herself!! It's a tough equation....and I don't think that a lot of men understand or appreciate that.
My hat off to all working/nonworking women/wives/mothers.
motasim, really, why would you not cook? and why are you so flabberghasted by the idea? as if it is asking to do something that is beneath men. that men are somehow too good to cook?
if it is a demeaning thing, maybe women would not like to do it either?
and it is not about cooking per se... it is about sharing the load in a marriage.
Most of the world famous chefs are men, which proves not only that men are capable of cooking, but can do so to a very high standard and achieve a gret deal of satisfaction from it.
However, Doshar is right. This debate isn't about who cooks dinner, but the inability of some men to work as a partnership (which is Sunnah).
motasim:
no offense taken of course. i do not think anyone would be offended by what comes to your head when you pass by this blog. it is your business only what is in your head.
and your friend who complains from his wife doing nothing for him, only for herself. maybe he drove her to be like that by never doing anything for her.
aLso, the cave example, not only did the hunting be replaced by sitting in front of a monitor, but the women go out hunting with the men alot too. they both work now.
it is a give and take situation. you give , you also expect to take. fair enough?
and for the breast feeding thing, don't know if you know this, but in Islam, if a woman does not want to breast feed and wants to hire someone to nurse her kids, and her husband can afford that, he should.
Nice post and discussion here.